Where to begin? I know that even at my lowest weight I never "got" that ideal body image in my head. Not a single time did I look in the mirror and said "I DID IT!" I just was met with even more disappointment That's what eating disorders do to you.
Now if you were a wanarexic, you would be happy with your skinny and small frame. You'd flaunt it and try to make your friends all jealous. You'd even post it for all to see (face and everything). You'd blog and give out tips and tricks of the eating disorder trade and try to recruit others into your sick, sick world. Recovery? Not even a glimmer in your small world. You got to where you are because you had planned this out the whole time.
Depression? NEVER. You were met with shear glee (almost psychotic) every time you dropped a pound. You saw the inches melt away, you took a step back and admired the beautiful creature you've created. Your friends' faces were twisted in shear disgust and they stopped being friends with you because of your narcissism.
So you went online to "talk and discuss" how your "eating disorder" affected you. How your friends and family abandoned you because you were "sick" with anorexia. You made the conversation about you, your world, and how terrible it is to be you. Being the attention seeking person you are, you posted images of yourself on forums and blogs.
You crave for positive feedback and say how "fat" you are. knowing you aren't at all. Knowing what type of forum or blog you are on you knew the feedback will always be positive. This deeply satisfying connection with others (not like yourself), feeds into your narcissistic selfish personality.
Now everything I said about the personality of wanarexics, flip that around and you have a bonafide person with an actual eating disorder. Ever the cautious type, almost has to force herself to talk to someone. Afraid at every corner that she might be institutionalized because of her thoughts and feelings. Afraid that someone will think she is just plain crazy. Afraid of everything including recovery. What if they keep me? What if all the therapy is for nothing?
"I am worthless, and don't deserve to be happy."
"I did this to myself. I might as well live with myself."
Which one are you? Is there a third personality type with eating disorders? I believe there is. People like me who have come to the acceptance of their eating disorders and continue to live their lives in good faith. Who try very hard to not let the ED interfere with family, jobs and friends. Who seek knowledge and solitude online to reassure themselves that we are still human beings. That for one second, we can have happiness in ourselves and faith in others. Faith that everyone can accept and learn to live with their mental illness, and for one day be considered "normal".
I wrote this article with the intention of talking about how my eating disorder affects my ideal body type and how screwed up my thought process is. I ended up blabbing on about how an eating disorder (even imaginary) affects certain types of people. I hope this article helps those that believe eating disorders are conscientious choices instead of chronic mental illnesses.
